I went to a jazz concert tonight. A friend of mine was in town at an annual jazz workshop at Stanford University, and the week concludes with a concert given by all the instructors - all masters at their instruments. Jazz remains my favorite (or at worst second favorite to the blues) form of music. The thing it gives you is plenty of time to let your mind wander, to other thoughts, dreams, and ideas.
I sat there and watched incredible musicians at the height of their prowess, and being a complete softball nut, my mind drifted to the Coneheads, and how, even in our amateur way we are masters, albeit not professional. Other teams are somewhat in awe of us at times, because we have a lot of players that can do a lot of different things on the field, at bat and on defense, ways we can take you apart and beat you down. In this way we are artists ourselves, forgive me if this is a bit of a stretch since it is recreational softball.
But still - the idea came up the other night after our game that we could qualify to have a reality TV show, the life and times of your favorite, most fun softball team the Coneheads. I started to think about it, what would it look like. I am not sure where it would go but here is my take on the pilot episode. Think of it this way - this pilot would start out on the eve of the playoffs, and would feature each player and how they prepare for the games coming up. After the pilot, subsequent episodes would go back in time to the beginning of the season, and recreate the drama of the ups and downs of each game, leading to the climactic episode where our heroes take their part in the Big Tournament at the end of the season. That episode is yet to be written - we don't know how it will come out.
Here is the layout of the pilot episode: One by one the camera finds and focuses in on how each player prepares for the next game; perhaps it is the Tournament, or perhaps just another game against the vastly inferior Aereolas, our opponent last night.
Of course leading off is Chuck. He is, after all, our leadoff hitter and our shortstop. He sets the tone. He also likes to get dirty. Chuck is hosting a team party next week. It is going to be a pool party - apparently where he lives now with his mother, there is a pool. What you didn't know is that when Chuck moved in he saw all that concrete around the pool, and he said to himself, 'this is no good, there is no dirt to dive into. Who wants to dive into water when you can dive into dirt like the 5-6 hole I love to get into?' So he had a section of concrete removed, and installed kind of like a sandbox instead. When Chuck has a Conehead game coming up he goes out into the back yard and practices diving into the sand. Word is that he is contracting to remove another section so he can put in a piece of turf, like on the new fields at Wilder. Practice makes perfect.
In fact, before last night's game, Chuck lost a shoe in that sand. He had to come to the game with a cleat on one foot and a sneaker on the other. Thus he acquired his new nickname 'Style'. See title.
Next comes Sting, who calls Chuck his 'neighbor.' Sting built a mansion a few years ago. It has a pool table, state of the art networking throughout the house and a killer audio-video system. But it is not his pride and joy. He also put in an infield in the back yard. He goes out there and stands at second base and just admires his handywork. It's kind of a Zen thing. In fact he got so good at standing by second base and admiring the infield that last night in our game, when we took our usual insurmountable lead over the Aereolas, and everyone changed positions on defense, he marched right over to second base. Balls came in from the outfield - and there he was meditating on what a fine throw that was. No need to cover second or get the throw - karma will take care of all that.
Of course there is the Stink Eye, our pitcher. Most of what he does to prep for games would never pass the censors. For example, the amount of time he spends in the commode. Not for Prime Time. What I wonder is does he practice the Stink Eye in the mirror? Does he use it on Bear, his dog? Poor cute little bugger. But maybe we don't really want to know. It could be ugly.
And of course there are others. For instance, take Gerry, the Judge in his 'real life'. We wonder how he came to have such an excellent consistent line drive hit to the opposite field, in his case right field. How could he have come up with that? Well think about it. If you have ever been to court, the judge sits up there, and what does he have - a gavel. And he is always pounding it, and saying stuff like "Order in the Court!" Well have you ever seen a left-handed gavel? I think not. Think of it - for all these years, Gerry has been leaning to the right, pounding that thing. He can't even see to his left any more. In fact I will bet if you go to the chambers during their two hour lunch break, you will find the judge in his robe, with his Conehead jersey on underneath, pounding that thing, and saying over and over "right, right, right, line drive, line drive, line drive." Whatever works, right?
Consider Gene. Now Gene is an engineer. Very precise in whatever he does. You might hear Gene calling out to everyone where to position themselves for every batter. "Gerry, three inches to the left". "Heffe, watch that two inches just inside the first base line, this player hit there once in 2008. "Sting, you are five feet too deep."
What you didn't know is that in the basement of his house, Gene has miniature cutouts of each of us, and a miniature field he built to scale. And what does he do to prepare? He moves us around from batter to batter, scouting report to scouting report, like puppets. Rumor is he is starting on building opponents too, he already has the Buddha, and of course Randy since he needed him as a part time teammate anyway. He moves us all around and the amazing thing is: in the basement we all listen and we never lose!
Then we come to Derek. Now Derek has had some control problems at times when he comes in to pitch as we know, even though we don't really talk about it. This bothers Big D immensely. It is understandable. What you didn't know is that he has a temper that can barely be contained, although he is such a nice guy he only turns it inward. So when he gets home he gets the score card, and counts the walks and the rare outs he makes at bat, and multiplies by ten. The he gets a hatchet out and he throws the 'hammer' hard at a cork wall he put up for this purpose. This is what gives him his tomahawk swing. And when it sticks he yells out "I AM THOR!" until he feels better or he reaches his quota, whichever comes first. He kinda looks like Thor doesn't he? The lesson here is if you want to hit as hard as Derek, this is all you have to do. I personally am going to Ace Hardware soon to look at their selection of hammers and hatchets.
The Don. The Don goes to his side yard, where he has paced off the distance between home plate and the pitcher's mound. And he practices throwing balls from 'home' to 'Joe'. Over and over again. Because you know it really bothers him when he misses Joe, and throws Joe's rhythm off. And he hits the target 100% of the time, at home! But here is the thing - Don lives in Oakland, and the back yards are kind of small, and Don forgot to get out his tape measure, and the distance is ten feet short. OY! No wonder!
And what to say about Ol' G. G is an ex patrolman from up north you know. Rumor is that when he is getting up for a game, he gets out the handcuffs, and attaches himself to the bedpost...and well I don't think I can go on with this one.
I can't get to everyone - it is late and in a few hours I have to take the field for playoffs for our other team JFT. But I have to give my own. What I spend my time doing before games is I print out the latest stat sheet, and get out a surgical knife (because after all the Heads call me the Surgeon), and cut out each of the little numbers one by one. Then I toss each one onto the table where I have drawn up a field, and try to hit each spot on it with a number. When I have hit both lines, and the middle, and couple have popped up off my thumb and landed just beyond the reach of the shortstop, I just know I am going 4-4 with maybe a Conehead hit thrown in there. This then is why I am now know as Stat, and we have our subtitle for the pilot.
Do you think it will sell?
Oh we won the game against the Aereolas 20-8. It wasn't nearly that close. The only remarkable thing was Sting took an 0-5, I don't think that has ever happened before. I know I am not supposed to mention the negative things, but that was just so rare, it stood out. And shows that we all pick each other up when we hit a rough spot. Thor was 5-5, Larry 4-4, Ol' G and the Style Man 4-5, and Stat, the Puppet Man, the Judge and Haz were 3-4. A splendid time for all. Big Game Day is Monday against the division arch-rivals Cal Bronco. Be there.
Milestones:
Gene 700 ab (#12)
Ol' G 550 ab (#15
D 200 ab (#18)
Haz 50 rbi (#28)
I sat there and watched incredible musicians at the height of their prowess, and being a complete softball nut, my mind drifted to the Coneheads, and how, even in our amateur way we are masters, albeit not professional. Other teams are somewhat in awe of us at times, because we have a lot of players that can do a lot of different things on the field, at bat and on defense, ways we can take you apart and beat you down. In this way we are artists ourselves, forgive me if this is a bit of a stretch since it is recreational softball.
But still - the idea came up the other night after our game that we could qualify to have a reality TV show, the life and times of your favorite, most fun softball team the Coneheads. I started to think about it, what would it look like. I am not sure where it would go but here is my take on the pilot episode. Think of it this way - this pilot would start out on the eve of the playoffs, and would feature each player and how they prepare for the games coming up. After the pilot, subsequent episodes would go back in time to the beginning of the season, and recreate the drama of the ups and downs of each game, leading to the climactic episode where our heroes take their part in the Big Tournament at the end of the season. That episode is yet to be written - we don't know how it will come out.
Here is the layout of the pilot episode: One by one the camera finds and focuses in on how each player prepares for the next game; perhaps it is the Tournament, or perhaps just another game against the vastly inferior Aereolas, our opponent last night.
Of course leading off is Chuck. He is, after all, our leadoff hitter and our shortstop. He sets the tone. He also likes to get dirty. Chuck is hosting a team party next week. It is going to be a pool party - apparently where he lives now with his mother, there is a pool. What you didn't know is that when Chuck moved in he saw all that concrete around the pool, and he said to himself, 'this is no good, there is no dirt to dive into. Who wants to dive into water when you can dive into dirt like the 5-6 hole I love to get into?' So he had a section of concrete removed, and installed kind of like a sandbox instead. When Chuck has a Conehead game coming up he goes out into the back yard and practices diving into the sand. Word is that he is contracting to remove another section so he can put in a piece of turf, like on the new fields at Wilder. Practice makes perfect.
In fact, before last night's game, Chuck lost a shoe in that sand. He had to come to the game with a cleat on one foot and a sneaker on the other. Thus he acquired his new nickname 'Style'. See title.
Next comes Sting, who calls Chuck his 'neighbor.' Sting built a mansion a few years ago. It has a pool table, state of the art networking throughout the house and a killer audio-video system. But it is not his pride and joy. He also put in an infield in the back yard. He goes out there and stands at second base and just admires his handywork. It's kind of a Zen thing. In fact he got so good at standing by second base and admiring the infield that last night in our game, when we took our usual insurmountable lead over the Aereolas, and everyone changed positions on defense, he marched right over to second base. Balls came in from the outfield - and there he was meditating on what a fine throw that was. No need to cover second or get the throw - karma will take care of all that.
Of course there is the Stink Eye, our pitcher. Most of what he does to prep for games would never pass the censors. For example, the amount of time he spends in the commode. Not for Prime Time. What I wonder is does he practice the Stink Eye in the mirror? Does he use it on Bear, his dog? Poor cute little bugger. But maybe we don't really want to know. It could be ugly.
And of course there are others. For instance, take Gerry, the Judge in his 'real life'. We wonder how he came to have such an excellent consistent line drive hit to the opposite field, in his case right field. How could he have come up with that? Well think about it. If you have ever been to court, the judge sits up there, and what does he have - a gavel. And he is always pounding it, and saying stuff like "Order in the Court!" Well have you ever seen a left-handed gavel? I think not. Think of it - for all these years, Gerry has been leaning to the right, pounding that thing. He can't even see to his left any more. In fact I will bet if you go to the chambers during their two hour lunch break, you will find the judge in his robe, with his Conehead jersey on underneath, pounding that thing, and saying over and over "right, right, right, line drive, line drive, line drive." Whatever works, right?
Consider Gene. Now Gene is an engineer. Very precise in whatever he does. You might hear Gene calling out to everyone where to position themselves for every batter. "Gerry, three inches to the left". "Heffe, watch that two inches just inside the first base line, this player hit there once in 2008. "Sting, you are five feet too deep."
What you didn't know is that in the basement of his house, Gene has miniature cutouts of each of us, and a miniature field he built to scale. And what does he do to prepare? He moves us around from batter to batter, scouting report to scouting report, like puppets. Rumor is he is starting on building opponents too, he already has the Buddha, and of course Randy since he needed him as a part time teammate anyway. He moves us all around and the amazing thing is: in the basement we all listen and we never lose!
Then we come to Derek. Now Derek has had some control problems at times when he comes in to pitch as we know, even though we don't really talk about it. This bothers Big D immensely. It is understandable. What you didn't know is that he has a temper that can barely be contained, although he is such a nice guy he only turns it inward. So when he gets home he gets the score card, and counts the walks and the rare outs he makes at bat, and multiplies by ten. The he gets a hatchet out and he throws the 'hammer' hard at a cork wall he put up for this purpose. This is what gives him his tomahawk swing. And when it sticks he yells out "I AM THOR!" until he feels better or he reaches his quota, whichever comes first. He kinda looks like Thor doesn't he? The lesson here is if you want to hit as hard as Derek, this is all you have to do. I personally am going to Ace Hardware soon to look at their selection of hammers and hatchets.
The Don. The Don goes to his side yard, where he has paced off the distance between home plate and the pitcher's mound. And he practices throwing balls from 'home' to 'Joe'. Over and over again. Because you know it really bothers him when he misses Joe, and throws Joe's rhythm off. And he hits the target 100% of the time, at home! But here is the thing - Don lives in Oakland, and the back yards are kind of small, and Don forgot to get out his tape measure, and the distance is ten feet short. OY! No wonder!
And what to say about Ol' G. G is an ex patrolman from up north you know. Rumor is that when he is getting up for a game, he gets out the handcuffs, and attaches himself to the bedpost...and well I don't think I can go on with this one.
I can't get to everyone - it is late and in a few hours I have to take the field for playoffs for our other team JFT. But I have to give my own. What I spend my time doing before games is I print out the latest stat sheet, and get out a surgical knife (because after all the Heads call me the Surgeon), and cut out each of the little numbers one by one. Then I toss each one onto the table where I have drawn up a field, and try to hit each spot on it with a number. When I have hit both lines, and the middle, and couple have popped up off my thumb and landed just beyond the reach of the shortstop, I just know I am going 4-4 with maybe a Conehead hit thrown in there. This then is why I am now know as Stat, and we have our subtitle for the pilot.
Do you think it will sell?
Oh we won the game against the Aereolas 20-8. It wasn't nearly that close. The only remarkable thing was Sting took an 0-5, I don't think that has ever happened before. I know I am not supposed to mention the negative things, but that was just so rare, it stood out. And shows that we all pick each other up when we hit a rough spot. Thor was 5-5, Larry 4-4, Ol' G and the Style Man 4-5, and Stat, the Puppet Man, the Judge and Haz were 3-4. A splendid time for all. Big Game Day is Monday against the division arch-rivals Cal Bronco. Be there.
Milestones:
Gene 700 ab (#12)
Ol' G 550 ab (#15
D 200 ab (#18)
Haz 50 rbi (#28)
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