I have had problems in both shoulders since last summer, the first serious softball injuries I have ever had.
Since I am continually in denial and want to at least start the upcoming season on all my teams, I decided to forego surgery until my arms fall off. Instead, Friday, I had cortisone shots in both shoulders.
I asked the doc, "But will my balls shrink to the size of raisinettes?"
He answered, "It's not that kind of steroids."
I guess I won't hit 73 HRs this season like Barry Bonds.
Damn.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Bald Guys
Why is it that Bald Guys can play all day in the sun without a cap on?
If I start a game without covering my head, by the second inning I have skin cancer. Not to mention the sunburn. I almost always forget to put on the sunscreen until the 4th inning too. I actually did get a basal carcinoma from too much sun on my nose, and while not life threatening, it was no picnic when the dermatologist excavated nearly to my brain stem to remove it.
And I don't even want to talk about what would happen in my growing bald spot.
Bald Guys go out there daring the sun with impunity to even bestow upon them the slightest red mark on their naked scalps; you never see them suffering. And they get the girls too. Life sucks.
If I start a game without covering my head, by the second inning I have skin cancer. Not to mention the sunburn. I almost always forget to put on the sunscreen until the 4th inning too. I actually did get a basal carcinoma from too much sun on my nose, and while not life threatening, it was no picnic when the dermatologist excavated nearly to my brain stem to remove it.
And I don't even want to talk about what would happen in my growing bald spot.
Bald Guys go out there daring the sun with impunity to even bestow upon them the slightest red mark on their naked scalps; you never see them suffering. And they get the girls too. Life sucks.
Job Qualifications
What is it about the job of softball coordinator/league commissioner/rec director that makes someone lose whatever brain power they had?
As near as I can tell these are the job qualifications:
1) Lack of common sense
2) Inability to communicate effectively
3) Stubbornness unto the edge of insanity (the definition of insanity is...you know that one, five points to anyone who posts it)
In one league I play in, the commissioner refuses to publish the scores online. Now most players don't really care about mundane things such as tie-breakers and standings and playoff positions. They just want to know when and where to show up next.
But many of us keep up on where we are, what we need to do to get that number two seed, and who we will be playing in the playoffs. It's called interest and need for information. And of course it often comes down to head to head records, and run differential.
I asked this particular league commish once why he won't publish the scores. His answer: "We have never done it that way." He publishes the standings, the schedule, the rules. but not the scores. So it's not like he doesn't have the technical wherewithal to do it or the data. In fact they are compiled every night. HELLO - IT'S THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, where information is king!
I should ask him, "Why shouldn't we recycle beer bottles?"
"We have never done it that way."
"Why is a car faster than a horse?"
"We have never done it that way."
"Why are there four balls in a walk?"
"We have never done it that way."
...wait a sec...
But it's ok, he is saving at least ten minutes every night in not updating that one extra web page. Think of what you can do with all that spare time. For example, he could concoct strange end of season tournament schedules where the 4th place team has an advantage over the 3rd place team, which he has done...But I digress.
Another league head I know does not know how to use a period after a sentence. His emails read like a James Joyce novel, only with accidental spelling mistakes instead of deliberate ones, and just about as obtuse in language and meaning.
Something like we have a preseason meeting to give out schedules and the Thursday league will have every third week off the byes will be byes we are trying 70foot bases this season umprises will be two eahc game except coed and senior leaues just have won everyone enjoy.
Thank you very much.
The topper came this week. I got the preseason notice for a league in which my team is in the Senior Division, which in this case has been over 35 years old. He gave a list of new news items matter of factly, and somewhere in the middle, between announcing the new fields will have turf and lights, and telling you to put down the A league if you want to be in the top division, B for the middle division and C for the lowest division (DOH - really?) was this charm:
As near as I can tell these are the job qualifications:
1) Lack of common sense
2) Inability to communicate effectively
3) Stubbornness unto the edge of insanity (the definition of insanity is...you know that one, five points to anyone who posts it)
In one league I play in, the commissioner refuses to publish the scores online. Now most players don't really care about mundane things such as tie-breakers and standings and playoff positions. They just want to know when and where to show up next.
But many of us keep up on where we are, what we need to do to get that number two seed, and who we will be playing in the playoffs. It's called interest and need for information. And of course it often comes down to head to head records, and run differential.
I asked this particular league commish once why he won't publish the scores. His answer: "We have never done it that way." He publishes the standings, the schedule, the rules. but not the scores. So it's not like he doesn't have the technical wherewithal to do it or the data. In fact they are compiled every night. HELLO - IT'S THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, where information is king!
I should ask him, "Why shouldn't we recycle beer bottles?"
"We have never done it that way."
"Why is a car faster than a horse?"
"We have never done it that way."
"Why are there four balls in a walk?"
"We have never done it that way."
...wait a sec...
But it's ok, he is saving at least ten minutes every night in not updating that one extra web page. Think of what you can do with all that spare time. For example, he could concoct strange end of season tournament schedules where the 4th place team has an advantage over the 3rd place team, which he has done...But I digress.
Another league head I know does not know how to use a period after a sentence. His emails read like a James Joyce novel, only with accidental spelling mistakes instead of deliberate ones, and just about as obtuse in language and meaning.
Something like we have a preseason meeting to give out schedules and the Thursday league will have every third week off the byes will be byes we are trying 70foot bases this season umprises will be two eahc game except coed and senior leaues just have won everyone enjoy.
Thank you very much.
The topper came this week. I got the preseason notice for a league in which my team is in the Senior Division, which in this case has been over 35 years old. He gave a list of new news items matter of factly, and somewhere in the middle, between announcing the new fields will have turf and lights, and telling you to put down the A league if you want to be in the top division, B for the middle division and C for the lowest division (DOH - really?) was this charm:
"I
have also changed the senior league age from 35 to 50."
You could have just gone right by it. Suddenly half our roster is ineligible to play this year. And I am sure we are the only team that would be comprised of mostly guys in their 40s - not. Well guess what, I have to give him credit, after about ten emails from teams wanting to leave things the way they were, he made the brilliant decision to leave things the way they were.
I applied for two of these jobs when they came open. The return message was "Too Smart(ass)."
Go figure.
I applied for two of these jobs when they came open. The return message was "Too Smart(ass)."
Go figure.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Hallucinations
One of the advantages of being an old guy in semi-retirement (read - unemployed) is I get to play Senior Ball with the retired crowd Tuesday and Thursday mornings. More on that later. We are in our own spring training now. Today was an absolutely beautiful morning for softball (we won 18-14 too).
When I was on the way to the bathroom after the game, there was a transistor radio playing unattended on the bleacher seat nearby. I heard the tell-tale crackle of that little thing and I swear I thought I heard Jon Miller, the voice of your San Francisco Giants, calling a spring training game.
Upon further review, I was hearing things, being over 50 gives you that license. It was just that familiar crackle that my brain associated with baseball on the radio. But beautiful day, sunshine and a ballgame - Spring Training is underway!
When I was on the way to the bathroom after the game, there was a transistor radio playing unattended on the bleacher seat nearby. I heard the tell-tale crackle of that little thing and I swear I thought I heard Jon Miller, the voice of your San Francisco Giants, calling a spring training game.
Upon further review, I was hearing things, being over 50 gives you that license. It was just that familiar crackle that my brain associated with baseball on the radio. But beautiful day, sunshine and a ballgame - Spring Training is underway!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
No One Is Immune
A few years ago some of my best friends went to Kauai with me and we came up with this idea (tongue firmly in cheek) for a business. One of them is a lawyer, and it started with the typical lawyer jokes and then it morphed into this: we could go to a business, make up some kind of code violation or human resource violation and then tell them we are going to bring a lawsuit against them, but we would settle on the spot for X dollars. It was infallible logic. And the American Way.
The title of the company would be No One Is Immune. That is, no one would be safe from our accusations and claims no matter how manufactured they were. And all would tremble in fear. And Pay.
The reason I bring this up is that this too will be the subtitle of this blog. I intend to put highlights and lowlights from my games in this space, in an anecdotal manner that will leave you entertained and thrilled. I will also opine relentlessly on how leagues are run, and how absurd some of the umpiring is. I will even get into self-deprecating mode on occasion, the Heffinator is definitely not immune.
I have been writing newsletters for several years for 3 of my teams. I try to only attach names to plays and hits when they are for positive yardage. I do relate some of the bonehead ones too - but usually leave them anonymous - everyone knows who did it anyway. So all of you who may sign up here, and are teammates and are (or soon to be were) friends - you are forewarned - No One is Immune.
The title of the company would be No One Is Immune. That is, no one would be safe from our accusations and claims no matter how manufactured they were. And all would tremble in fear. And Pay.
The reason I bring this up is that this too will be the subtitle of this blog. I intend to put highlights and lowlights from my games in this space, in an anecdotal manner that will leave you entertained and thrilled. I will also opine relentlessly on how leagues are run, and how absurd some of the umpiring is. I will even get into self-deprecating mode on occasion, the Heffinator is definitely not immune.
I have been writing newsletters for several years for 3 of my teams. I try to only attach names to plays and hits when they are for positive yardage. I do relate some of the bonehead ones too - but usually leave them anonymous - everyone knows who did it anyway. So all of you who may sign up here, and are teammates and are (or soon to be were) friends - you are forewarned - No One is Immune.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Confessions of a Softball Addict - the Premise
I was going to call this diatribe Confessions of a Softball Slut, but my friend says that it would be misunderstood. Sluts are usually associated with women (although in the sexual arena men can be as slutty as anyone). It would be Misunderstood. You might think I am a female that likes to hang around sweaty men. And while some of you might like that, you are not my target audience. Therefore I have already sold out and decided to call this Confessions of a Softball Addict, in the hopes that I will get and keep those readers from Tibet who have never even seen a softball, so that Yak Butter of Tibet will put an ad on my site.
I don’t know which of my friends said it first, we are softball sluts (and we undoubtedly were not the first to coin the phrase) because we are there for a game, no matter when or where or what we have to do to get there by game time. A slut is a person who is a sex addict but does not get paid for the pleasure. We are softball players that play for the pure enjoyment of the game and we not only don't get paid to play, we pay dues in recreational leagues everywhere for the privilege. If we are lucky we have a team or two that are sponsored, but in general we pay, and provide our own post-game beer and whatnot. We would call ourselves whores – but that noble profession has workers who actually make some sort of living at giving pleasure. So we are truly softball sluts, those of us who cannot turn down a game - any time, anywhere.
We wake up one day and discover that we are on 6 teams, and suddenly our family life is going south, we can't wait to leave work to make the early game, and we wonder how this happened. But we still show up. That is what it is about.
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