To the Coneheads, softball is like our religion. We pray in the dugout, we play on the field.
Our little Jewish pitcher from Brooklyn, the man with remade knees and the greatest Stink-eye softball has ever seen, is making his pilgrimage to the Holy Land. They taught us as kids that every Jew must make the pilgrimage to Israel before we die. It is an imperative. And so Joe will miss our playoffs, slated to start a week after our season ending double header this Monday.
Joe has died many times on the field...when one of our outfielders makes an error, when someone pops up with runners on base, when we have a bonehead running gaff, and get caught off base on a line drive for a double play. And the result is the same...you don't want to meet his Eye when you come to the dugout, because he wants you to share this particular death. Or, better yet he will will it on you.
Even so, Joe died a little every time we lost a game because he is such a competitor. So he is a little late in his sojourn, but as they say, better late than never.
And this makes me a little afraid for the homeland of my people. Because in 6000 years or whatever it has been, have they ever been in the presence of the Stink Eye?
Israel has seen the destruction of the First Temple, the Second Temple, the sacking of Jerusalem, and in more recent times, the Intifadas, and innumerable terrorist attacks.
But suppose this scenario gets played out: Joe is moved by seeing the homeland. So much so, that he decides to go to the Wailing Wall, that famous sidewall of the temple mount from ancient times, and pray to the Gods of softball. He prays for rain, a deluge in Walnut Creek, California, USA, on October 29th, or November 3rd, or November 5th, the dates of our playoff games that he will miss, so he can play in the postponed games.
He is humbly beseeching the Lord, saying, "Lord of the Hosts, it is I, Joseph of the Cone of many colors. Please let it rain just once, so I can be a part of the playoffs, even if just the last night." He pauses to see if there is anything different in the air, a sign, anything. And then suddenly, a booming voice bellows out, blanketing the city, and terrifying the citizens: "Joseph! Joseph of the Cone of Many Colors! How dare you think that I will part the heavens and the skies, just to appease an old Conehead! How many championships are enough? How can you be so greedy when in this world there is so much poverty and violence, and pain and suffering?"
And the Lord stopped, and waited for the humbled man to fall to his knees and beseech Him for his forgiveness and mercy, and be on his way.
But not our Chief Conehead. Joe looks up, shakes his fist, and cries out, "It's NEVER enough, don't you GET IT???", and then, he turns, and faces the Wall, and calls up the biggest Stink Eye he has ever conjured.
It is still for a moment, and then with a rolling, thunderous roar, the Wall, which has stood for almost 3000 years, comes crashing down, split into a million smithereens...so sing with me...
Joseph fit the battles of Conehead Ball, Conehead Ball, Conehead Ball...
Joseph fit the battles of Conehead Ball, and the Wall came tumbling down.
You may talk about the men of Walnut Creek,
You may talk about the men of Orinda,
But there's none like good old Joseph
And the battle of Conehead Ball!
I just hope he stays clear of the Red Sea. Once was enough for it to part.
Ah, I know what you are thinking, you ask, does this have the slightest connection to our latest win on Monday? Well not at all, but I will tie it in.
Joe did get the thunderous hit of the game. It was a night we scuffled, and played down to the last place team we were playing, the 0-6 Shenanigans. We spotted them a 5-1 lead going into the bottom of the second. After a leadoff hit by the Heffinator, and a force out and a couple of hits to load the bases, up stood Joseph, and placed a perfect ball over the first baseman's head down the right field line to score two. Even though it only made it 5-3, it snapped us out of our spell. We went on to score four more to take a 7-5 lead, the big blow a smash double by Big D. It wasn't a huge lead, and even though the Shenanigans kept it close the rest of the game, we eventually won 12-10 to stay undefeated going into the last week of the regular season. And to cap off a good night, Joe came in for the save up two runs in the seventh, and got three outs on grounders, and made a great stop on one of the grounders himself.
Big games from Greg the Knight with 3-3 including a homer and a double, and Randy and Gene, also 3-3.
So we enter the season-ending doubleheader with a chance to go 8-0 and make a statement going into the playoffs that we are not ready to relinquish the championship. We play the two next best teams, so we will have to be on our toes, even as Joe is putting his in the Dead Sea. I like our chances to pull it off.
Milestones:
Joe 350 g (#1)
Gene 450 h (#11)
Sting 650 ab (#13)
Knight 100 h (#23)
Our little Jewish pitcher from Brooklyn, the man with remade knees and the greatest Stink-eye softball has ever seen, is making his pilgrimage to the Holy Land. They taught us as kids that every Jew must make the pilgrimage to Israel before we die. It is an imperative. And so Joe will miss our playoffs, slated to start a week after our season ending double header this Monday.
Joe has died many times on the field...when one of our outfielders makes an error, when someone pops up with runners on base, when we have a bonehead running gaff, and get caught off base on a line drive for a double play. And the result is the same...you don't want to meet his Eye when you come to the dugout, because he wants you to share this particular death. Or, better yet he will will it on you.
Even so, Joe died a little every time we lost a game because he is such a competitor. So he is a little late in his sojourn, but as they say, better late than never.
And this makes me a little afraid for the homeland of my people. Because in 6000 years or whatever it has been, have they ever been in the presence of the Stink Eye?
Israel has seen the destruction of the First Temple, the Second Temple, the sacking of Jerusalem, and in more recent times, the Intifadas, and innumerable terrorist attacks.
But suppose this scenario gets played out: Joe is moved by seeing the homeland. So much so, that he decides to go to the Wailing Wall, that famous sidewall of the temple mount from ancient times, and pray to the Gods of softball. He prays for rain, a deluge in Walnut Creek, California, USA, on October 29th, or November 3rd, or November 5th, the dates of our playoff games that he will miss, so he can play in the postponed games.
He is humbly beseeching the Lord, saying, "Lord of the Hosts, it is I, Joseph of the Cone of many colors. Please let it rain just once, so I can be a part of the playoffs, even if just the last night." He pauses to see if there is anything different in the air, a sign, anything. And then suddenly, a booming voice bellows out, blanketing the city, and terrifying the citizens: "Joseph! Joseph of the Cone of Many Colors! How dare you think that I will part the heavens and the skies, just to appease an old Conehead! How many championships are enough? How can you be so greedy when in this world there is so much poverty and violence, and pain and suffering?"
And the Lord stopped, and waited for the humbled man to fall to his knees and beseech Him for his forgiveness and mercy, and be on his way.
But not our Chief Conehead. Joe looks up, shakes his fist, and cries out, "It's NEVER enough, don't you GET IT???", and then, he turns, and faces the Wall, and calls up the biggest Stink Eye he has ever conjured.
It is still for a moment, and then with a rolling, thunderous roar, the Wall, which has stood for almost 3000 years, comes crashing down, split into a million smithereens...so sing with me...
Joseph fit the battles of Conehead Ball, Conehead Ball, Conehead Ball...
Joseph fit the battles of Conehead Ball, and the Wall came tumbling down.
You may talk about the men of Walnut Creek,
You may talk about the men of Orinda,
But there's none like good old Joseph
And the battle of Conehead Ball!
I just hope he stays clear of the Red Sea. Once was enough for it to part.
Ah, I know what you are thinking, you ask, does this have the slightest connection to our latest win on Monday? Well not at all, but I will tie it in.
Joe did get the thunderous hit of the game. It was a night we scuffled, and played down to the last place team we were playing, the 0-6 Shenanigans. We spotted them a 5-1 lead going into the bottom of the second. After a leadoff hit by the Heffinator, and a force out and a couple of hits to load the bases, up stood Joseph, and placed a perfect ball over the first baseman's head down the right field line to score two. Even though it only made it 5-3, it snapped us out of our spell. We went on to score four more to take a 7-5 lead, the big blow a smash double by Big D. It wasn't a huge lead, and even though the Shenanigans kept it close the rest of the game, we eventually won 12-10 to stay undefeated going into the last week of the regular season. And to cap off a good night, Joe came in for the save up two runs in the seventh, and got three outs on grounders, and made a great stop on one of the grounders himself.
Big games from Greg the Knight with 3-3 including a homer and a double, and Randy and Gene, also 3-3.
So we enter the season-ending doubleheader with a chance to go 8-0 and make a statement going into the playoffs that we are not ready to relinquish the championship. We play the two next best teams, so we will have to be on our toes, even as Joe is putting his in the Dead Sea. I like our chances to pull it off.
Milestones:
Joe 350 g (#1)
Gene 450 h (#11)
Sting 650 ab (#13)
Knight 100 h (#23)
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