Throw Me a Bone

I have an important announcement for the Coneheads.

It won't be published until tonight (it's now Monday morning),  so you won't read it until after the game. This is good, because I don't want it to affect the game. After all, we are still undefeated, and must continue our momentum.

This is the announcement: You guys let me down. No, not in the way you let Joe down sometimes - the missed ball in the outfield, the bad baserunning mistake. So there will be no stink eye here. More like the Stink Pen.

You let me down by taking all the drama out of the game on occasion, like last week. I mean, 25-1 over the Shenanigans...who is the team acting out shenanigans?

How many times do you think I can write about the Conehead inning (13 in the first, game over, nine later on). How many times can I talk about Pope with three extra base hits, or Randy leaping up to make a great grab on a hot line drive, and keep it interesting and entertaining.

Really, do you think it is your job to make me dig deep to find something interesting to write about?

"In yet another laugher, the Coneheads walloped the last place Shenanigans. 25-1 in four and a half innings. We had eight straight hits in an inning TWICE, and the defense was outstanding. Ten guys had at least two hits, including Pope, Randy, Johnny, and Bruce with four. Chuck only didn't because he walked once. Gene was perfect in his platooning as he went 2-2. Derek pitched great in relief, rebounding from his wildness the week before. There was no Chopper siting, as he is still rehabbing his leg injury."

Yawn.

I need drama. Can we throw in a couple of errors, a few more walks by Derek. a double play to end an inning in a one run game in the fifth (for either side)? A walk off win?

Please, feed me. God forbid, I'm beginning to sound like Lefty.

I hope I didn't jinx tonight. OK, I will accept 25-1 again. Never mind.

Milestones:

Joe          400 g (#1)
Pope       900 ab (#8)
Sting        40 bb (#12)
Bruce      50 ab (#37)

Musings from the Foxhole

Ol' G, as we call him, is usually gone from one of our Conehead games in a flash. He stays long enough for the beginnings of the post-game banter because he is our teammate and friend, and he usually had a lot to do with the outcome. But ten minutes or so later, it's 'great game', see you all next week, and he's off.

Well, last Monday was a different deal. Gerry, the reigning Mr. Conehead, showed up to give out this year's Mr. C award. For those that aren't in the know, this is given every year to the teammate that best shows the qualities that make up a true Conehead - the full list of them is the subject for another post, but it includes the usual things one might expect - contributing something special on and off the field. Each year there is only one vote - the reigning Mr. Conehead - although consulting with the previous honorees is allowed, and one suspects that a certain former Mr. Conehead with the most years on the team is usually consulted.

It's a tough choice because we have so many players, especially these days, that are so deserving of the award. We play so well as a team, and the hallmark of a great team is that everyone contributes in a major way, sometime or other. And the camaraderie has never been better, at least in my 15 years as a Conehead, than it is now.

This year Ol' G was most deserving of the award and Gerry gave a great speech listing all the tangibles and intangibles that made him the obvious choice. He started with the stats from this year - Gary had a particularly productive season in the Orinda Summer League - but so did others, and he worked up to naming G by starting out in more generalities and then worked to more and more specifics that could only point to our second baseman. By the time he talked about 'the guy you want in your foxhole with you', and then finally to the reference to the time G got the crazy guy from Two Score Or More in a headlock when he tried to attack us in our own dugout, we all knew who he was talking about.

Ol' G gave a short speech, it was humble yet you could tell he was flattered, and then he said "Well, I gotta go". Laughs all around, and then he was gone.

His wife Deb is also steady as a rock, and I am sure his anchor at home. But she is also a gamer, and an athlete in her own right and a die hard sports fan. So you wonder how it went when he got home, and I think it probably went something like this:

(G drives up, parks and walks in the house)

G: "Deb, I'm home! You won't believe what happened at our game."

D: "Did you win?"

G: "Yeah 20-10 against the team we beat in the finals last year, we own those guys. But you won't believe what happened after the game."

D: "Did you knock in any runs?"

G: "Yeah, I think three, although the strike zone was ridiculous and I took a called third strike in one at bat."

D: "You what?!?!?!?!?"

G: "I wasn't the only one, Derek did too, and he was pissed! It's ok, what I wanted to tell you was that they named me this year's Mr. Conehead...see the trophy? It's quite the honor! I was so surprised!"

D: "You struck out???? LOOKING???"

G: "Deb, I'm Mr. Conehead, they love me!"

D: "You're Mr. Looker around here, and I don't mean that in a good way!"

And so on.

I kid...I love Deb and I am sure she was proud of her man, and I know that G goes home so soon because he actually has a life outside of softball, and he can't wait to get back to it.

Speaking of the game (isn't that what this is about?), we came out blazing - Nine runs in the top of the first, which technically is not a Conehead inning because it wasn't double digits, but nevertheless it set the tone. Pope hit a monster two run shot as the second batter, and it was off to the races. Six straight singles with one out, and then Joe came up with runners at the corners, and slashed a hit down the left field line. It was hit so far past the left fielder that I scored from first and Joe made it to second base on his reconstructed knees.

After that even though we scored the next two innings (including a two out two run knock by the soon to be named Mr. Conehead), we got a little complacent, and saw our lead slip down to 15-10 at the end of the fourth, and when for the second inning in a row we did not score in the top of the fifth, Joe was nervous.

But a funny thing happened. Chopper, on the DL, showed up and soon there were the calls of "Popcorn" and "Alley! Alley!", although they came from the bleachers. And Joe put in Lefty to pitch, and he shut down DubMD after they had scored ten runs in the last three innings.

We topped it off with a good five run rally in the top of the last inning, highlighted by a lead off triple by Lefty, a double by Sting, and another triple by Pope, who by the way hit for the Cycle.

With Joe returning to the mound for the save (although the rally made it a non-save situation), DubMD was done and they knew it. See you in the playoffs, Dub.

Randy went 5-5, Pope and Lefty had four hits, and Heffe three. RBIs and runs scored were spread out as they usually are when everyone contributes.

Ahem, and two guys looked at strike three - in the same inning.

And finally, we might be too old to worry about having to go to war - but if we did, we know we have the guy that can be trusted to be there with us. Good to have him on our side.

Milestones:

Sting           90 2b (#6)
Randy        100 ab (#29)
Randy        50 rbi (#29)

The Perfect Pitch

This blog is supposed to be about what happens on the fields of our dreams - in our case, softball fields.

Two weeks ago last night, in the early hours of Monday, August 25th, my father died. He waited until after midnight, because it was my mom's birthday. She was calling him home. He always listened to her.

I went back to St. Louis for the funeral, but I wasn't going until Wednesday. What to do about the Monday night Conehead game? Well that is obvious, go play. Harold would tell me to.

I don't remember much about the game - I was a bit distracted. I remember we had a Conehead inning to put away the game, and I was the last one up and I made the first out. I remember Randy hit a home run, Sting hit a couple of triples, and he drove in six runs. Chuck went 5-5 and Johnny 4-4. Every single teammate gave me heartfelt condolences.

These are the facts, and we won going away 18-2. Damn we are a great team.

But I want to tell a different story. It was something I heard during the week of mourning in St. Louis.

I have a cousin Jerry. He was my first babysitter. That makes him older than Joe. In fact he is 74 years old. He still plays on a softball team. He plays second base too. He doesn't play senior ball - he is on a regular rec team playing against and with 18 year olds. He told me his arm is gone but he can still catch the ball, and he does go up to the plate looking for a walk these days.

Jerry told me this story. Last year or earlier this year, a friend of his was supposed to throw out the first pitch at a St. Louis Cardinal game, but something came up and he couldn't make it. He gave the opportunity to Jerry. I asked him if he was nervous, and he said he was until he took the mound. He got to the top of the mound, toed the rubber, and a calm came over him. He wound up and he pitched - he had no idea where it was going to go - and the ball was a strike right in the catcher's mitt. It had movement too, he said.

Shane Robinson, a Cardinal who has been up and down between St. Louis and Memphis (the Cardinals' AAA team) for the last couple of years, was the designated catcher for that pitch. He came running out to Jerry. He told him that there had been some that threw a strike standing at the foot of the mound, and there had been some that didn't bounce it to the plate standing on top of the mound, but he had never seen anyone throw such a perfect pitch in that situation.

Anything can happen in this world.

Milestones:

Sting        40 3b (#4)
Sting        400 r (#8)
Sting        200 g (#11)
Johnny     50 ab (#36)

Alley Oop

Short notes, long notes. Some noted plays, some plays already forgotten that should be mentioned.

Allée Allée! - French for Go! Go!
Alvin Alley! - World Class choreographer (Dance! Dance!)
Aileron! (Wing flaps - Fly Fly!)
Ali! Ali! Boom Ba Yea* (see below)

Chopper the catcher called it out on many batters: Alley! Alley!

Go Go? Dance Dance? Fly fly? What does it mean???

He actually explained it to us Saturday. "No it means 'Alloy! Alloy!'", noting the hitter's got an Aluminum Bat, meaning the outfielders should move in because he won't hit the ball as hard as with a composite bat.

But by Sunday we all forgot, or we didn't hear it, because we are old. The hearing aids were off.

In the mean time, Pope in left field is dancing left, dancing right, he doesn't know which gap to cover, he doesn't even know if it's his gap or Gene's gap or Bruce's gap, he just knows the ball's going in a gap. In left center, Bruce is just Go! Going, running in circles. And Lefty in RC, he's taking it literally...running around flapping his arms (not unlike a couple of swings in the last game), "Look at me, I'm FLYING!"

Somehow the ball got caught, and Chopper is already on to the next batter. "Popcorn" "with Butter!"

Wha?

Next year, to improve the team, I'm going to compile the CTM - Chopper Translation Manual. We will all memorize it, and then we will be truly invincible.

Although Four Championships in a Row in Orinda, we might be there already. We won by smashing Cal Bronco 17-1 (or 19-1 if you believe the blue). We crushed them like last year's sour grapes. And although the scores of the first three games were closer, we were never really threatened the whole weekend. Gene coined it the "Aura", maybe it is, but the other teams go into this thing, thinking, how are the Coneheads going to beat us this year?

I was worried this year. All season long we couldn't get a lot of guys to show up for the regular games. Ol' G a.k.a. Alfred E Neuman, kept saying no sweat, let's see what happens in the playoffs. Like Joe, due to a quirk of ethnic makeup, I am genetically wired to worry. After all, 8-3 is a pretty pedestrian record for the Coneheads.

Gerry, our .700 hitter, retired. Markley, our other .700 hitter, out with a bad leg. Don gone, no one to piss off Joe and give him his game face. Reggie gone to chase glory in the Ring Tournament. Knight has the temerity to let his personal life get in the way of softball. All gone. And then, Big D gets kidnapped, practically literally, and whisked off the the Forty Niner Super Colossal State of the Art State of the Art (double intentional) PRE-SEASON football game. This hurts. We are practically down to the minimum 10. How are we ever going to do this?

But last night I had a revelation. I was at a party in Marin. These friends of Julia's, a couple who raised their kids with hers, were having a Pisco Sour party. He had spent some time in Peru, and fallen in love with the culture and the food and especially, being a good drinker, the Pisco Sour, which is kind of the national drink, a mix of their local brandy and lime and other ingredients. Quite delicious, I might add. As was the food, as they created a bunch of Peruvian dishes, a shredded chicken thing, home made ceviche, some tasty spiced corn on the cob - the works. But yours truly could just think about how we were going to get our Knight to come play third. And I had misplaced my phone. I wanted to text Joe, to plot, but it was not to be.

I went outside - had a smoke, then closed my eyes. I hearkened back to my youth when I took up Transcendental Meditation - but I needed a new mantra. And then it came...Cohhhhhhhn.....Cohhhhhhhn, Cohhhhhhhhhn. I sat there and got into a trance...Cohhhhhhhn, and it was good.

And I had the revelation. As they say in the pros, when you win the Championship, you enjoy it for ten minutes, and then you are already thinking about the next one. Even today, Joe and I talked about how this was the second time in Conehead history we have won four in a row in Orinda, but now we have to get the fifth, which we have never done. So the real joy comes in the anticipation...Saturday night, knowing we had played well Saturday, and were in the driver's seat for Sunday even without D, and this edge, the angst of not knowing what will happen the morrow, the unknown, that is the great and focusing feeling.

We came out Sunday without all our guys. But take no offense any of you, the Coneheads can lose ANYBODY, and as long as we have at least 8 1/2 somewhat healthy bodies to throw out there, we will pick each other up, and carry the day. This is what it means to be a Conehead. Derek is out, and Haz goes to third base for a game. He makes a play, doesn't get the lead runner but gets an out. "I'll do better next time". And then Knight shows up on his White Horse (OK, Prius, after all this is the 21st century). Jeff changes his tune when Knight comes to the rescue to play third in the Championship Game. "We are undefeated with me playing third," he now says, with a smile.

Greg goes 3-4, with three knocks, just another day at the office. Or out of the office. It was great but (no offense intended again) I have a feeling that without our Knight we still would have won.

Joe is the best slowpitch pitcher in the land. But he is only playing half the game. Larry comes in every game in the middle innings AND COMPLETELY DOMINATES EVERY TEAM. I don't have the exact numbers of innings but he allowed something like five runs in 14 innings. In Slow Pitch Softball. This is against teams that score 20+ runs a game like the Broncos. And I have a feeling if I didn't tell Larry to pitch to him, he would have walked the Broncos big bat Brady when it was 17-0 and no one was on base, and we would have completed the shutout. Instead his solo home run was all they could muster when it counted most. Larry gets my vote for MVP. That was phenomenal. And I haven't even mentioned the catch he made on a ball headed hard and straight at his head, or the clutch hits he had.

Ol' G was extremely hot most of the season. The last couple of weeks, not so much. He kept thinking a foul ball to the right was a hit. Well he woke up and drilled not one but two homers Saturday against the Old Scouts. The first one, a two run job, produced the game winning RBI as it completed the scoring in the only real Conehead inning of the weekend. That inning (nine runs) was the microcosm of the weekend. We were down 11-4 in the top of the fourth. With two outs wee had only a man on first, and starting with Haz we smacked nine straight hits - the other big blow was Bruce's three run homer to get us close. I think that was the moment we all realized this was our year once again. Except G, of course, he never had any doubt.

And Joe - we beg him to bat, really it's only in your Head that you aren't good enough. He pokes it into right center and the ball skips by the same Big Bat who is an All World Fielder, and G, who is running for him, is once again off to the races. Two run triple.

Bruce hit three home runs with a gimpy leg - he did a pretty good Derek impression. Chuck was dirtier then I ever remember him this weekend. He had at least one dive play in the hole that was just impossible. He added a little of everything, lot of hits, walks, sac flies.

Lefty had the two most beautiful swings and misses Sunday. Complete with curtsies and a bow at the end. Then you look up and realize that he also had twelve hits over the weekend, and gunned out a guy at the plate.

Gene had a great regular season but was a little cold Saturday. I switched him and Haz, and how did he respond? 5-7 with a walk Sunday. In the mean time Haz was off in the first game (out of comfort zone because of playing third?) then went 4-4 in the penultimate game.

And Pope, in between dancing to Chopper's tune, thinks that he doesn't contribute enough. Besides being lockdown in left field, he had four doubles over the weekend - and most were singles he hustled into doubles. He's like a horse thief out there. In the second biggest rally of the weekend, six runs against Bay Alarm, we had tied it at seven in what until that point was a close game. Up stepped Pope, and his three run big fly rang Bay's alarm - the game was never out of reach as we only won 15-9, but that blow took all the wind out of their sails and they did not threaten us again.

And of course our first baseman. I'm just here to make you guys look good in print, but after turning the big six oh two weeks ago, I think this weekend I played first like I was...59 all over again. Scoops in the dirt, falling and stretching for the few errant throws, and I even had a few line drive hits and loud outs to go with the patented bloop doubles I seem to thrive on.

In other words, once again no one carried us alone, and we achieved our little corner of glory, even if for only ten minutes before we start to think of fall league and next year. It's a good feeling.

*Last night when I found my phone, which of course was in my car all along, there was this mysterious message on it (this is true, I played it for G and Haz, you can ask them). It went something like this in a thick middle eastern accent: "Hey Jeff, this is (unintelligible), I was switching through the channels and I came across the movie Ali. You know, 'Ali boom ba yea, Ali boom ba yea' and he chants this over and over...This was the people's chant in Zaire in the famed Ali Foreman fight, the Rumble in the Jungle, I looked it up...he closed with "I may be in the Bay next week so we can go golfing maybe" so I have no idea who this crank caller is but in light of Chopper's call, it's almost spooky.

Stats to follow but in closing...Ali, Cohhhn Ba Yea. Which means, loosely. Coneheads Kill.

Milestones:
7/28
Chuck        850 r (#1)
Pope          120 hr (#1)
Larry          450 rbi (#4)
Derek        200 r (#16)

8/4
Gene         250 g (#7)
Pope         30 sf (#8)

8/16 Game 1
Gene        400 r (#7)
Ol' G        50 2b (#15)

8/16 Game 2
Ol' G         30 hr (#8)
Haz           200 ab (#23)

8/17 Game 1
Pope          600 h (#6)

8/17 Game 2
Pope         40 gw (#1)
Gene         850 ab (#9)
Craig         200 h (#20)

Yoenis Who?

The A's are all in this year and Billy Beane is either a genius or an over-tinkering fool, depending upon where the A's end up this post-season.

Popular home run contest winner Yoenis Cespedes was dealt for more pitching today. The A's will miss his bat, but they might miss his outstanding arm in left field even more. He did create that amazing throw and the next one against the Angels by kicking the ball around just to tempt the runners into going, but then he gunned them down. The first was the highlight of the year.

However, if they find that they need some late season help, there is a secret weapon in the East Bay. And I hear after this weekend he won't be playing on Sunday afternoons until next year.

Of course I am talking about our own Chopper who last Sunday gunned out another who dared to run on him. That made two in two games if you count last week in our Conehead game, and although I am sure he played a few games in between, we like to think he has a streak of two going. We would hate to see him signed up to go pro, but hey, we would do our part to support the local pros.

The game was mostly meaningless. OK, totally meaningless for any effect in the standings. We had clinched first place and they were stuck in fourth no matter what. Corona had eight players show up, and we picked them apart. We started with 8 hits and a walk and poured on eleven runs in the first. Lefty and Randy in a row, and Ol' G and Chopper and Gene found gaps in the outfield for triples, and the rout was on. The rest was trying to make sure we kept a 15 run lead so we could get out of the heat ASAP, which we did.

Oh, and Derek pitched great filling in for ailing Joe, and our first baseman turned an unassisted double play on a line drive smash. He wanted a triple play but the runner off first made a move to evade the tag, and our hero doesn't move too fast. He had to settle for going back to the bag to get the second out.

Bruce returned from the DL and went 3-3, including one shot so far into right field (for a grand slam) that he could jog around the bases. His physical therapist was happy, I'm sure. Chuck and the Knight were also perfect at 4-4.

All this was practice for playoffs this weekend. We get to face a full Corona squad in the first game and then take our chances. This could be the year we get over the hump. Even though Pinky's is a tournament tested team, we took two of three, and let's face it we have better chemistry, better defense, and I put our bats up against them or anyone. But first let's continue to punish Corona's for thinking they are in our league.

And hopefully the A's won't have signed Chopper until after Sunday.

Milestones:
Gene          10 3b (#5)
Randy        50 rbi (#15)

3.2.1...Blastoff!

I'm gonna be 60 within two weeks, and I never knew pressure like this in all my decades.

Pope, Ol' G, and D went back to back to back in the first inning of the Conehead game last night. Derek hit it so hard and so far, he admired it, then he hobbled to first, then thought about a double, hobbled to second, thought about it some more, and so on until he scored before the ball got back to the infield.

Now it's up to me to continue the streak. What do I do? How can I go yard? I mean I haven't done that in like 10 years...and it usually requires someone falling down...

Stay within yourself...see ball hit ball...don't over swing...you can do this...I close my eyes, and take a mighty swing...and when I open them I see the ball in the 5-6 hole, and the shortstop almost gets to it but instead deflects it into short left field...the third baseman chases it down, picks it up while I round first. Another damn single.

And then the miracle happened...there's no one covering second! So I steal second base!

Now we have seen home runs in game after game after game on this team. We've seen Pope stretch singles into doubles with head first slides. But tell me, have you ever seen a stolen base in slowpitch softball???

And that's how it went in our game against the Reds. Larry hit the other home run. Sting coulda had one in the first - he stopped at third with no outs and Pope on deck. That woulda been back to back to back to back. How utterly demoralizing to the Reds.

The middle of the order batting line: 12-12, 11 runs, 3 doubles, a triple and 2 HRs for 11 RBIs (G, D, and me). Pope drove in a team leading 5 on a couple of hits and a sac fly. Chuck, who made a very professional stop on a hot one hopper to his left, scored four times, drawing two walks to go with his two hits. Joe started the 1-6-3 slick double play.

We even gave them mercy from the mercy rule - after we took a 1-2-3 and out in order extra frame (the score was past the mercy rule after five), we gave them a shot to score fifteen in the phantom sixth. The ump was having none of it - he marked the score 24-9 even after they eked out a couple of runs in the sixth.

Next week another double header. Fun fun fun til Daddy takes the T-bird away. Or the lights go out, whichever comes first.

Signed Heffe 'Rickey' Heffinator

Milestones:
Pope          650 rbi (#1)
Chuck        1600 ab (#1)
Pope          120 ab (#2)
Heffe          550 rbi (#3)
Ol' G          700 ab (#14)
Chopper     30 2b (#20)

Just Wait Til Next Year

Next time we play St. Mo's, we are all batting the opposite and playing out of our regular positions. Because, after all, when do we do that? When we are just slaughtering someone. Why not just do that from the beginning of the game?

And they just have our number, or so it seems. On Monday we plated all of two runs in the first three innings. The night was so strange that we had the exact same inning in the first and the third: Chuck got to first (ok the second one was a walk not a hit), Reg put one over the fence 900 feet away ON A BOUNCE, so it was ruled a ground rule double, Pope brought in Chuck with an out, Lefty hit a sac fly to bring in Reg, and Bruce ended the inning.

We took a 6-0 lead into the top of the sixth. One bad inning, and suddenly it was 8-6, and even though we tied it in the bottom of the sixth, gave up one more in the seventh then went down quietly, one two three to end it.

9-8, 6-5, 13-11, 20-14, these are the scores the last four losses out of the last five games with them. We have lost five total games to the rest of the league combined over that time. Something's gotta change.

A few of us had decent games, led by G who went 3-3 with a triple, but there was no Conehead inning to be had, and so we were had. Our luck we will draw them first game in the playoffs like last year but look what happened then. We would welcome yet another chance for revenge.

The weather was strange at Wilder that night - the later it got the warmer it was, and the sunset was outstanding over the East Bay hills. Maybe that affected us, as we managed to eke out an 11-6 win in the nightcap over the Areolas. We got warmer as the night went on as we scored nine runs the last three innings.

Sting continued to be a highlight reel - he hit a bomb but this time managed to get the ball to land in a way it stayed in the park, and he could follow Joe's runner in for a two run homer. Sting was joined by Pope, Lefty and Heffe with three hit games. But the game turned when we got patient and the Areola pitcher could not find the plate - Chopper (!), Haz and Joe all took walks to set up our mini-Conehead five run fifth that put us ahead to stay.

With our second loss in the opener, it will be tough to end up first or possibly even second. That did not seem to matter the last couple years, we know when it really counts in this league. And besides, don't we want St. Mo's to open the playoffs again? I'm going 4-4 batting righty, and making diving catches in left field.

Milestones:
Game 1
Larry        1200 ab (#4)
Larry        70 2b (#8)

Game 2
Heffe         150 2b (#1)
Chuck       600 rbi (#2)
Sting         20 gw (#3)
Chuck       30 sf (#7)
Lefty         20 3b (#16)
Lefty         30 2b (#19)
Chopper   350 ab (#19)